I have a LOT to tell you today! Wow! I hardly know where to begin…

BilboI’ve been thinking about my career lately. At four and a half years old, I need to decide what to do with my life. Like my friend Squirt up in Scotland, I have a penchant for machines – I just love it when I get to check out our tradesmen’s vans. They are incredibly interesting. You wouldn’t believe all the things they carry around with them. And the smells are just fantastic: everything from sausage sandwiches to engine oil, and everywhere you step is deliciously filthy. A lovely mix of soot, crumbs and gunge. And my paw prints look great afterwards on Mum’s shiny floor tiles!

Which brings me neatly to my artistic streak. I have an eye for colour and a talent for draping myself attractively against backgrounds that contrast well with my coat (green is my preference), and I LOVE to sing! Mum and Dad say I have a great voice and that I show real promise. That’s because I’ve been working hard on my range while out walking. I can do everything from a low croon to a full-throated yowl that projects through the whole house.

Bilbo in training to be a carpenterSo anyway: in order to satisfy my technical inclination, I’ve begun a carpentry apprenticeship with Dad. He does a lot of woodwork in the garage and needs help. I’m already a deft paw with the chisel, and next week we’re starting on the sawing. I’m not so keen on the drills though; they’re really loud. But Dad likes them, so I let him do those bits by himself.

My artistic career has taken off without much effort on my part: I got into modelling with one of my very first photo shoots in our garden. The result was immediately snapped up by Worthing & District Cats Protection for their 2017 calendar – I’m Mr. October! – and we’re aiming for Vogue next.

And as for music – well! Something’s given me wings there, too, because… *blushes*… I have a…girlfriend! She lives in the next close and she’s very pretty -  a petite tortoiseshell with the most beautiful green eyes; eyes I could simply drown in, if I didn’t hate water so much. We met while out hunting and it was love at first sight. Now we see each other almost every day and sit side by side in the sunshine. It’s quite wonderful. Her presence has inspired me to compose a song I’d like to share with you all. It’s called:

In The Close Where You Live,

(by Bilbo Haywood)

I have often walked down that close before

But the pavement always stayed beneath my paws before
All at once am I several stories high
Knowing I'm in the close where you live.

Are there catnip trees in our part of town?
Can you hear a mouse in any other part of town?
Does thick double cream pour out of every door?
No, it's just in the close where you live.

And oh, the towering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near!
The overpowering feeling
That any second you may suddenly appear! (*holds note for a long, long time…*)

People stop and stare, they don't bother me,
For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be.
Let the time go by, I won't care if I
Only get half a mouse if we share!

*takes a deep bow to thundering applaws*

I thank you.


See you next time,



Dogs Come when Called

"Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you."

"Of course, every cat is really the most beautiful woman in the room."

Edward Verrall Luca (essayist)