Boy bits and the swagger walk

Hi Squirt

I hear that you are a ‘tom of the world’ full of good, sound advice based on real life experience?

Well as a 7-month old kitten, I’m in need of a bit of help please!!

When I was told a few days ago that I was seeing St Ben of Park House Surgery, the elderly ladycat that I live with, Dumpty Snooty Pantaloons, went all coy and blushed. She regards him as part of her staff and her complete heart throb. She saw him a couple of weeks ago when she had the sniffles and he stuck a thermometer up her bottom – quite bizarre.  But it seemed to cure her.

However, that wasn’t the experience I had!!

First he stuck a needle in me, my mom said I was a brave boy being vaccinated, whatever that was. I didn’t enjoy that one bit. It all happened so quickly before I could even muster a menacing growl. I hope I don't have to go through that experience again.

Saint Ben complemented me on being quite a handsome chap. He then tipped me upside down and had a good look and a poke around at my boy bits. I am rather proud of these, I’m white, but underneath my tail, two furry little jet black globes are growing quite nicely, and I have been quite interested in them. I give them a good snuffling and have acquired a ‘gangster swagger’ whereby I sashay round with my tail erect, just showing my boy bits off to all and sundry as I'm sure everyone will want to see them as they look incredible. I lie on my back with my legs in the air so my new mom can see them and be impressed. I find them quite AMAZING, but apart from giving them a good inspection, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with them. – Any info would be gratefully received, I’m sure that they are not just there for decorative purposes!

Saint Ben declared that I need neutering. I’m not sure what that is, but it sounds fun if it involves my boy bits.

Have you been ‘neutered’ Squirt? What’s it all about? Both Saint Ben and my new mom seem to be quite keen for me to have a good neutering! In fact, my new mom says she is paying good money to have me neutered so I’d better appreciate being done by the best!

I'm looking forward to it.

All info gratefully received as a new chap at Tom Cat Towers, I’ve got a lot of learning to

Big respect to the cat who knows all

Gabion Tzchugge
Tom Cat Towers
 

Catfucius he says ... A cat lives a simple life so long as a human doesn't complicate it

Dear Gabe

Thank you for turning to me with this and for recognising me as a cat who knows a lot of things about a lot of things.  Reading your letter, I realise you are a kindred spirit, you remind me so much of myself at a few months old.  Fortunately for you I have the benefit of hindsight, I’m going to tell you what I know and advise you in the strongest terms to have nothing to do with this so-called ‘Saint’ Ben.  Nothing.  Zilch, Nada.  Call him what you will, the man is a ‘vet’ and they are not to be trusted – especially with your prize possessions.  ‘Vets’ are supposed to be there when needed to make you feel better.  In reality these dastardly fellows have a hidden agenda; they wish to steal things from you and have a propensity for stabbing you at every opportunity.  You were not ‘vaccinated’, you were stabbed.  Those cruel creatures may lull you with words of kindness and even treats (treachery!) but they wish you ill.  Do not forget that.

Now to the two appendages you talk about, I know the ones you mean, they are your ‘man-bits’ and I remember mine well.  Sadly, for me I was parted with them at five and a half months old.  I didn’t have the benefit of an agony cat to turn to so like a twit I cooperated when I was left in the clutches of the ‘vet’.  I was stabbed, fell asleep and woke up to find that my man-bits had been stolen!  To say I was outraged is a bit of an understatement.  I was so insulted and angry I spent the next two years - yes, two years - plotting and exacting my revenge on Box Man as my ‘vet’ was known.  I think it’s safe to say that after I successfully put my cunning plan into action he was left in no doubt as to which one of us was Top Cat.

Okay, you want me to tell you more about those two things.  Apparently the technical term for them is ‘maracas’.  At least I think that’s what I’ve heard them called.

Now, sit down and listen while I explain.  Your maracas are what mark you out as a man.  Before long, if you keep them, when you have a pee it will smell divine.  This wonderful aroma will be very attractive to lady cats and they will vie for your attention.  They will flirt outrageously and do anything and everything to get you to notice them, then they will make the most outlandish suggestions to you!  Trust me, however weird (and frankly, rude) it sounds just go along with it and do the deed.  After this the floozy will want nothing more to do with you but it doesn’t matter because – and here’s the magic bit – about 64 days later she will give birth to kittens!  You will have sons and daughters to carry your genes into future generations, isn’t that amazing!  I know it all sounds a bit far-fetched but it’s true.  Did you ever wonder where you came from or how you were made?  Well, now you know!

Now, back to the aromatic pee.  As you will have realised humans aren’t like us, they have an appalling sense of smell and they don’t recognise man-pee for what it is.  They detest the smell so much that they want to separate us from our man-bits.  Oh they will go on and on about there already being too many unwanted kittens in the world but that is a load of tosh.  They just tell themselves that to justify the decision to get rid of our man-bits.  To make the idea more appealing they give it a fancy word – ‘neutering’.

So - hopefully you now understand about your man-bits and believe me, you must remain determined to keep them.  So if you hear the word ‘neuter’ you must run like stink and have nothing to do with the process.  Do not allow them to rob you!  In fact, don’t have anything to do with ‘Saint’ Ben at all.  I mean, what sane person goes round sticking a thermometer up your bum?  It would be far more reasonable just to ask you if you feel too hot or too cold but no, to justify the expense of a visit to their lair, a ‘vet’ will resort to the most perverse practices imaginable.

Gabion, you must stay alert for any signs that you are in danger of being taken to a ‘vet’.  Don’t allow it to happen, I can’t stress that enough because they are highly dangerous individuals who wish to do you harm.  I’m so glad you had the sense to ask for my help and hope that you take my advice seriously.  Don’t show this letter to Dumpty Snooty Pantaloons because I suspect she will tell you I am lying and try to persuade you that being ‘neutered’ is actually the most exciting, wonderful experience a cat can have.  So just keep this between the two of us and don’t hesitate to contact me if you need any more help,

Good luck!

Your good friend,

Squirt

• Next >