From: Chubby Cuthbert -
Member of The Tiddleswick Tail Lifters

To: The Mewsers (Sam, Ollie and Casey)
(Top Secret)

Dear Mewsers

At 6.50pm last Friday evening the Stationmaster at Tiddleswick-on-Sea railway station locked up and went home for the night.

Unknown to him, or indeed to any other human, at 7.00pm an Extraordinary, extreme emergency meeting of the Tiddleswick Tail Lifters was about to commence. All members, except one of them, had been summoned, nay commanded, to attend. No excuses, this was serious.

Colonel Bogey, sat on a child’s abandoned toy drum. Slightly elevated he looked down on the crowd of anxious eyes which looked back at him from the floor of the lost property office of the railway station. Cats’ tails thrumped nervously.
‘Gentlemen,’ Colonel Bogey began, ’we have uncovered a situation which places all of us in a very serious position.’

Some members looked round at the others, searching for a clue, a hint of what was to come.

‘As we know,’ Colonel Bogey went on, ’as a sub-species, humans have no idea how social and organised we cats are. However, it has come to our attention that one of our own, a Tiddleswick Tail Lifter, has willingly or unwittingly allowed a human to write and document all that we do.’

Howls of disbelief roared from the floor. Who could have committed such a despicable act? The humans should never be allowed access or knowledge of their secret world. The cats glanced nervously at each other, keen to see who was the culprit, without being accused themselves.

‘What can we do? cried Winkle.

‘More to the point,’ snapped Ginger Podgers, ‘who has betrayed us?’

Panic slowly ripped round the lost property office. The cat’s way of life could be changed forever. Humans were never intended to know what went on in the feline world.

A calm voice called out from the back of the room.  ‘I notice that my housemate hasn’t bothered to attend.’  Mr Squibbs had a smile of smugness on his whiskers. ’Are we to assume that the claw of suspicion points to him?’

‘I am very sorry to have to inform you all,’ Colonel Bogey advised sadly, ’that the cat who appears to have committed this dire act is none other than our very own ... Teddie Tumpkins. We don’t know how it happened; we just know that a book detailing our members, the meetings we hold and our raids has been written.’

Anger now rolled round the room. If the book was to be released then the humans would find out all about not just about the Tiddleswick Tail Lifters, but about all cats and their very secret lives.

‘What can we do to stop the book?’ cried Marmite.

’Nothing.’ Colonel Bogey confirmed their worst fears.

‘What can we do to limit the damage?’ asked Harry-toesis, the cat with bad breath.

‘I suggest that we all go and think what we can do. We have a Tail Lifters meeting tomorrow. I suggest we make it a working committee, get some ideas, see what we can all come up with,’ called Skwonx, Second in Command of The Tiddleswick Tail Lifters.

‘Good idea,’ agreed Colonel Bogey. ‘We’ll meet again tomorrow night and hopefully someone will have a solution to this horrible predicament. And … not a word to Teddie Tumpkins.’

Teddie Tumpkins was enjoying an out of date tin of tuna which had been slopped down on his cracked china plate on the kitchen floor when his nemesis and housemate, Mr Squibbs sidled up to him.

‘So, Teddie Tumpkins,’ he leered. ‘Do you have a middle name?’

‘Nope,’ mumbled Teddie Tumpkins cheerfully with a mouth full of tuna.

‘Odd,’ continued Mr Squibbs, ‘I thought it was Treachery and Treason,’ and with that he was gone.

‘Cryptic,’ thought Teddie Tumpkins.

He ambled over the road to see the Marmaladies. But both Ginger Podgers and Fred Who Stares appeared to be in such a deep sleep that they seemed not to notice him. Although he did think one of them opened half an eye for a peep as he trundled off, which he thought rather rude.

Winkle, too, appeared to be too asleep to respond when Teddie Tumpkins gave him a huge sniff.

He was happy to see Skwonx and was quite certain that Skwonx had seen him, but Skwonx turned tail and changed direction.

‘How peculiar,’ mused Teddie Tumpkins. Then the penny dropped. There was a Tail Lifters meeting that night. Clearly something was being planned especially for him; a promotion, a celebration ... what ever it was it clearly was meant to be a surprise. That’s why he was being avoided, in case someone spilled the beans!

Pleased with himself, and that his worth as an extra special member of The Tail Lifters was about to be recognised, he went on his merry way with a bounce in his paws.

When he entered the lost property office at the railway station, every cat turned round towards the door to look at him.

‘Goody, a welcoming committee,’ he gloated to himself. ‘No more than I deserve!’

But his pride soon crashed on the floor when it was spelled out to him what had happened. A tome, written by humans he knew, was about to blow the lid on cats’ way of life. Not just The Tiddleswick Tail Lifters, but cats all over the world, every single cat. Nothing would be secret from humans anymore.

A volley of abuse from the other members soon made the gravity of the situation clear to him ‘What can I do?’ he wailed.

‘Nothing!’ spat Mr Squibbs. ‘The cat’s out of the bag now!’

‘Lads, lads,’ shouted Colonel Bogey. ‘What’s done is done. It’s how we limit the damage when the book hits the rest of the world. Any suggestions?’

The room fell deathly silent as cogs in brains turned.

‘We’re doomed, doomed I tell you,’ cried Sven Snorkie.

‘Oh Teddie, what have you done?’ sobbed Wosk, who had always admired Teddie Tumpkins.

The room fell silent as the cats contemplated the horror of their situation.

Chubby Cuthbert had a brainwave that possibly could be their salvation.

‘I, er … um …’ he stuttered.

‘Spit it out,’ snapped Tongass impatiently.

‘I may have a suggestion,’ Chubby Cuthbert went on.

‘Well, it’s the only one,’ sighed Colonel Bogey, ’so lets hear it, Cuthers.’

‘I know another gang of cats,’ Chubby Cuthbert stared miserably at the floor.

‘Oh not the Lobster Mogsters,’ snapped Mr Squibbs, ‘whoopi-do!’

‘No, no …’ Chubby Cuthbert went on, ‘they are called The Mewsers and they are very intellectual and I thought …’

‘Go on,’ encouraged Skwonx, desperate for any solution which may help.

‘I thought,’ Chubby Cuthbert whispered, ‘that as this book is about to be released into the human’s world, we ask the Mewsers if they would consider placing a chapter a month onto their fabulous website: The Daily Mews or in their Mewsletter.  That way it wouldn’t overload the human, Pauline, who helps them. It also wouldn’t overload the humans who read it with too much information about what we actually do. It would also mean that we may get some feedback from the humans who then start to find out about our world.’

A quietness descended over the lost property office.

‘All in favour of asking the Mewsers if they would release a chapter a month, raise your tails,’ suggested Skwonx.

A forest of quivering tails soon filled the room.

‘Motion passed,’ smiled Colonel Bogey. ‘If the humans have to find out then let it be this way. After all what damage can one book do!’

A ripple of nervous laughter went around the room.

If they knew that there were actually five books in the Teddie Tumpkins Tales, they may not have been so reassured!



A Cats Purr

"Cats make one of the most satisfying sounds in the world: they purr ...

A purring cat is a form of high praise, like a gold star on a test paper. It is reinforcement of something we would all like to believe about ourselves - that we are nice."

Roger A Caras

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