Where do I begin?

You all know vitamin D is formed on our fur when we go out in the sun? Well, in Spain they are taxing sunlight. I prefer my water to be free of fluoride and lithium, but in the USA homes are being raided that collect rainwater. Passive smoking? Not my idea of a healthy home environment. However, in the UK a ‘lobbyist’ [Lynton Crosby] who works for both one of the world’s biggest tobacco companies and the ‘government’ denies any influence over changing policy.

Now this latest wheeze would work if it monitored my keepers if my dish gets empty. A German train company is actively working on having small drones ‘monitor’ graffiti artists.

Aren’t you all equal before the law? How is it then that banks, governments, the aristocracy, MPs, large corporations, councils, and judges are all above the law?

Some of you don’t like immigration do you? Back in ‘free’ Britain vans are touring areas of high black residency telling ‘illegal’ immigrants to hand themselves in or be arrested.

I’m in favour of ‘payday’ loans if it means a ready supply of tuna, but at nearly 5000% APR it seems a bit steep. Still these companies might be well intentioned and it must cost money to kit out their staff to look nicer than your neighbourhood loan shark, despite the shark’s rates being less. And doesn’t one of them sponsor football?

[Just then, Jimmy stops talking and goes blank. It is as if he has just been tuned to a different radio station. Very strange].

So what if GMO’s destroy the stomachs of pigs, I mean they are only animals aren’t they? [and smelly ones at that]. We cats don’t like aspartame, and won’t go near it, but it’s in just about every processed food you eat. We must be missing out. We need re-educating.

We do suffer from bad breath and premature tooth decay; would fluoride help? It couldn’t be sugar they put in our cat food could it? Why don’t they splice fish and chicken genes with sugar genes?

This hot weather gets me down, and the more I think about it, isn’t the sun a swine? Gives you lot cancer doesn’t it? We’d be better off without it. I like those white trails of chemicals in the sky. Somebody said they protect us from the sun’s rays, so that’s fine isn’t it? And with all the asthma and other breathing diseases they create, it keeps us indoors! Genius.

Doesn’t the Olympic legacy, Andy Murray, the British Lions and the Royal Family make you feel good to be alive? Where would you be without the BBC? Some of you cynical sods tell me we wouldn’t have Jimmy Savile and paedophilia, breath-taking arrogance and incompetence, millions paid to keep ex-bosses quiet and barely disguised sexism, but I’m not buying that. The BBC keeps everyone on their toes. Not least the ones running away from national treasure Stuart Hall. God Save the Queen!

But burying my head in the litter tray makes me a little nauseous.

[Paws for another blank look. His expression changes again. This time he seems more like his old self. Curiouser and curiouser].

Our bodies [yours and mine] are designed to ingest organic [i.e. completely natural] substances. Anything - yes anything - artificial is, or has the potential to be, harmful. Our bodies give us feedback when we do things to ourselves we shouldn’t. Can you imagine what it would be like if we cats couldn’t throw up whenever our bodies decide to get rid of harmful stuff we eat? Can you imagine what would happen if your body didn’t tell you if you persistently thought negative, miserable thoughts, ate junk, never moved off the couch, or watched your BBC news every day?

So, it’s agreed then. You need to know what’s going on in your insane world. ‘In an age of information, ignorance is a choice.’

Painful it is, depressing it can be, but would you rather not know what the planetary controllers are up to? Would you rather take your ‘meds,’ and live in blissful ignorance until the time comes for ‘them’ to decide you are no longer viable?

We cats and our dog siblings get ‘chipped.’ Surely it would make sense for you lot to be chipped. But no ordinary chip. Ones that signals could be sent to, as well as signals received from. A few good signals at first. How to vote perhaps? Who to avoid? Naturally those conspiracy people who have escaped being chipped [we’ll get them all soon]. But if the chip could guarantee the government would get your vote, why have voting? Waste of resources.

Now you all know don’t you that public is bad, private is good? In your language you even describe your most intimate and precious body parts as ‘privates.’

Why do you need accountability? It’s so passé. You know every government, everycorrupt blue-chip corporation puts you first above all else? Why bother with hours and hours wasted at meetings, having people justify their actions, when it can all be swept under the carpet of commercial confidentiality? And if that’s not enough, remove legal aid and pass laws to make suing these companies beyond your means or illegal!

So, as your handcart to hell gathers momentum, and yet another X Factor winner goes back to obscurity, denounce the whistle-blowers, remove the truth activists and accept your fate …

“Jimmy, Jimmy”

What was that? Is my dish empty? Where’s my cat milk? What was I dreaming about? What was all that nonsense about going to hell in a hand cart?

Surely you’ve never had it so good? Have you? Cameron declares martial law? It’s for our own safety is it? Heaven has been taken over by venture capitalists? Hell has been given a makeover by Kirstie Alsopp you say?

It’s all very confusing.

Jimmy, 29 July 2013. Normal service will be resumed next month.


A Cats Purr

"Cats make one of the most satisfying sounds in the world: they purr ...

A purring cat is a form of high praise, like a gold star on a test paper. It is reinforcement of something we would all like to believe about ourselves - that we are nice."

Roger A Caras