It's been all hush hush and secret squirrels here at Tom Cat Towers. Things have been happening 'on the horizon' and 'on a need to know' basis. Glad it's not December as I'm sure Secret Santa would be dragged in to this whispering conspiracy too!! Walls have ears and all that!

Since we lost Dumpty in February, my human has been sad. I've been sad, Chav Cat has just been her normal bullying self. However, I think that she is sad too. But Tom Cat Towers is soooo empty and quiet without her royal pantaloons demanding high levels of service from her 'Maid'.  Maid has been twiddling her thumbs and is soooo unhappy. We thought it may be a good idea to offer a home to a cat looking for a new home. So, Maid jumped to it and uploaded her CV to T’internetweb-thingie not expecting a great response.  Until today ………

I can tell you that it’s been like a very intensive United Nations / dating agency. Phone calls first thing, then Emails sent between both parties. Photos of 'said cat' under discussion were received then photos of Tom Cat Towers and its facilities returned. Dietary requirements discussed. Social behaviour (mainly mine, and how stupid I can be with my utter lack of social skills!) chewed over. Grooming and social requirements are paramount.
 
A first date was arranged. The 'said cat' will be bought under escort from quite a distance to Tom Cat Towers for an interview with his owner and Maid present. Then he will be taken home whilst decisions on both sides are made. If Maid is successful in her interview and application, he will be neutered.

 (WHAT!!!!!  What kind of a first date requirement is that?   .... Has he agreed to that?! ... Does he know?!!!)

Then, when everything is perfect, and all preparations have been made, he will make his supervised smooth move into Tom Cat Towers. Maid will put on her uniform again and dance full time attendance upon him, and he will be company for me as I miss snuggling up to Dumpty.

During the interview, tea will be taken whilst probing questions on both sides are addressed. I have been told in no uncertain terms, that I will be secured in the bedroom and Chav Cat will be hoicked outside so that we do not meet the potential 'said cat'.

I have secretly riffled through the paperwork and photos whilst Maid is now racing round ensuring that TCT is in tip top condition for this cat convention, and I have found just one picture of him.

All I can glean is that this cat is beyond royalty. We thought Dumpty was regal, but this chap is in a different league altogether. He is a cat with a lineage that makes the Queen's corgis look like rough mutts. His pedigree almost made Maid faint when she realised her CV was being considered. He is currently in active service, possibly secret service, and is about to retire so he now needs a suitable accommodation in 'Civvie Street' where he can live out the rest of his days in ultra-pampered luxury, away from the public glare and Maid is considered appropriate for this Posh Paws, as she was trained by the very best - Dumpty.

I cannot reveal his name for fear of losing my whiskers, but he is well known on the Internet. If Tom Cat Towers is to be the home for his retirement, then his name will be immediately changed to keep his previous life and service confidential and his previous owners will be continually updated on his progress. Maid even mentioned that 'said cat', if he felt up to it during his retirement, when he will have time on his paws, may wish to write something for TDM. That looks like a cert, she will become his P.A!!

I'll keep you updated as soon any new info floods in.

Ssssshhhhh, don't tell a soul,  no-one is supposed to know, but I'm getting so excited!!

Gabion Tzchugge
Tom Cat Towers

I used to LOVE sneaky sniffs! I’d sneak up on Chav Cat, the obese porkie tortie here at Tom Cat Towers, then sniff her bottom. It drove her nuts. She would round on me, spit, hiss, swear and growl, but I’d be two rooms away by then, sniggering. She could never catch me. It was hilarious fun! But now I have another game; indulging in another cat’s discomfort …. Lord Reginald’s.

He arrived here at Tom Cat Towers under a cloud of the utmost secrecy as he retired from public life. He was a posh paws of the utmost pedigree. A former stud cat. A show cat with an impressive collection of silver and rosettes. Just an all-round superstar.

Lord Reginald Desmond Vagabond of Tom Cat Towers was perfection personified. …..

Chav Cat was completely smitten. She instantly fell in love with Reggie. Reggie was utterly horrified! He had escorted lady cats of supreme breeding, members of the public were delighted to meet him, he was THE cat before retirement. So, a lardy old, grubby, foul-mouthed cat, with filthy claws and a massive weight problem and bad breath that could fell trees, making her intentions towards him VERY clear, left him almost fainting with revulsion and avoiding her at every opportunity!

Chavvers no longer minds me sniffing her. The hilarious response I used to get no longer happens as she just lies on the carpet like a slug making cow-eyes at Reggie. She can barely lift her massive bulk off the carpet when I slope by and take a sneaky sniff. She is too wrapped up in her total adoration of Reggie.

Reggie has taken to quietly poddling down the garden on his own to just watch the mice in the ancient hedgerow. He’s not interested in catching them. He’s just fascinated by them scurrying round after seeds dropped by birds from feeders higher up in the branches.

Chav Cat is a killer, and despite her hugely corpulent tummy which flops from side to side as she walks, often brings a mouse home for our human. No doubt she just flattens them with her porkie tortie bulk or rolls on them, she’s too fat and slow to actually chase them.

Reggie has no intention of catching mice. The only mouse he likes, is his catnip mouse which he likes to bat round the lawn, then launch into space now and again.

She is so besotted with Reggers that today, after a good snooze lying on her back like a scabby walrus, her mucky claws filled with dried dirt, she ambled down the garden and caught a mouse. Poor thing died of fright at the sight of her. She then walked over to Lord Reginald with the poor mouse dangling from her chipped, yellowed fangs and dropped it at his paws like a sort of love offering. She was so pleased with herself and her gift.

Reggers didn’t know what to do. He was utterly repulsed and decided that the only dignified response was to ignore the love offering and its bearer. So, he began to walk, tail erect, back past the row of international catnip bushes, and into the house with Chav Cat clopping noisily behind him, convinced her love-gift was about to pay dividends.

I can’t wait to see what happens next …………..

The plot thickens!

I contacted the feline spy centre GCHQ (General Cats Helpful Questions) and they confidentially advised that the VIP ‘said cat’ who interviewed my human, Maid, is indeed, potentially on the move into retirement from Active National Service. But that's all they could release, as it's all very hush hush in the feline world!  There will be a few posh feline ladies’ hearts broken when it is announced 'said cat' will be removed from public life!

He is fluent in English, The Queens English, apparently. He is well-read and extremely well-bred. He likes his iced milk shaken not stirred. So, he may bring a certain 'frisson' to The Daily Mews should he decide to pick up his platinum, diamond encrusted Mont Blanc fountain pen and write about his life!

If the interview goes well and it's thumbs up all round, then he will be escorted back to his current place of employment, neutered, as part of the agreement. He will then work a weeks’ notice at his current place, have a luxury bath and blow dry, be professionally groomed, then he will be discreetly chauffeured to Tom Cat Towers the following week. His new Maid will be there, in a crisp new uniform, to meet him and welcome him into Tom Cat Towers.

AND when he arrives, he will bring with him a designer, diplomatic bag full of special things to help him settle into his life of retirement.  As yet, we have not been advised what he will be bringing with him in this bag to ease his transfer into his new life.

Chav Cat and I will be secured in the bedroom during the interview. We have not been extended a social invitation to meet him yet!  

*****

The Day of the Interview:

Today Maid was up at 7am, washing, dusting and twinkling everything, even the washing machine door was cleaned!!  All bedding, stuffed toys that we cats play with, washed and replaced.  Tom Cat Towers was glowing with cleanliness.

At 12.30 ‘said cat’ arrived in style, he was secretly ushered in under escort. Formal introductions made.

He interviewed Maid for a whole hour, whilst his current staff inspected the facilities here at Tom Cat Towers and pronounced them 'superb'!

He was then gently taken from his carrier and handed to Maid. It was love at first sight by both parties, ‘said cat’ even purred and let Maid tickle his toes and his very elegant officer style moustache!

His mother was French, so he has a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’! He is 4 years old, and he is a Pewter Persian.  I haven't met him yet, but I've spent an age sniffing the Tee-shirt Maid was wearing for the interview. It certainly has an interesting fragrance!

It appears that Maid has passed the interview with flying colours and ‘said cat’ has employed her as his very personal staff. His new name has been decided and sent, in the utmost secrecy, to Saint Ben at Park House Vets so all records can be transferred seamlessly and confidentially. Saint Ben will then perform a moggy-MOT after his arrival to ensure all is well and the plaster can come off his neutering operation!  

Maid is running around like a loon. The bathroom has just been blitzed and the catnip plants have all been replanted to make a special fragrant walkway for His Lordship, should he wish to poddle down the garden for a pre-prandial constitutional walk in the evening. His dietary requirements were transferred to Tom Cat Towers catering department late last night and Maid is now stocking up on corn fed, skinless organic chicken breasts, which thankfully are at a daft price in the Kwop today! This chap likes to keep an eye on his waistline and as he is an epicurean gourmand, only the best for him.

Things have started appearing here at Tom Cat Towers, including this, a treat tub. A sort of Welcome Wagon for him (not that I am jealous in any way). I hope he won’t notice that I have very slyly removed three catnip mice and given them a good biting!

We are all on tenterhooks here at Tom Cat Towers waiting for our VIP newbie to join us.

His name is ....

Till next time

Gabion Tzchugge
Tom Cat Towers  

I love my mice! I have quite a collection: catnip mouse, yellow mouse, tatty mouse, felt mouse and white mouse. I love them all.

I spend many happy hours trying to launch them into space, throwing them around the room, biting them quite ferociously, cuddling up with them in my snoozzeee, and teaching them to swim.

At night when the human is asleep, one by one I pick my mice up and plonk them in my water bowl on the hearth. In the morning the human, with a sigh, picks them out one by one, gives each one a squeeze then leaves them on the radiator to dry, but I can stretch myself up tall to slyly reach up and pick them off with my claws.

Sometimes I put just one mouse in the water as if letting it have a bath on its own.

The best fun is picking them up gently in my mouth and then putting each of them in my cat food bowl, letting them sink into the gravy, as if I was taking them for a feed. But the human got sick of picking soggy mice out of the meaty lumps and having to dry them. So, the wet food bowl is now replaced at night by dry kibbles.

That hasn’t stopped me. I now have a creative time at night when all is calm, my bruv, Reggie is dozing, my human is asleep, and Chav Cat is outside thumping things. I collect my mice and pile them up, quite artistically on the dry kibbles then walk away to await the squeaks of delight in the morning when my human finds them. Each arrangement is different. 

Sometimes, when my mice have had a good soaking in my water bowl, I will silently pick them out in my mouth and take them into the bedroom where my human is gently snoring, and I will line them up on her pillow watching the water soak into the pillow case.

Judging by the volume of noise, when her face rolls over onto them in the early hours of the morning, I am more than certain she appreciates this gesture very much.

Today, during my perambulation around the gardens of Tom Cat Towers, I came across this furry mouse. He didn’t smell of catnip. In fact, he smelt a bit ‘off’ as if he needed a bath. I have no idea where he came from, but he was lying on the lawn, clearly in need of a friend.

So, I picked him up in my mouth and carried him back into the house. I placed him on the carpet and looked at him, but he wasn’t much fun to play with. So, I did the right thing.

Very carefully, I placed him, and arranged him so that he is hidden, under my human’s pillow on the bed.

I cannot wait for the shrieks of delight when she discovers it, followed by the praise that will be forthcoming for such a thoughtful present.

I am the mousketeer extraordinaire!

 Gabion Tzchugge

Tom Cat Towers