Chapter 30: The human has another birthday

The human is having another birthday. I am amazed as she is sooo old.

I’m just stunned that humans lived so long, I had no idea. Especially mine as she doesn’t exactly live healthily with all the red wine she shoves down her neck, cheese, pork scratchings (even though she kids herself she has diet scratchings by scraping off the soft fat and giving it me so she just has the hard, crunchy bits!)

I’m also amazed she’s still standing when I realise just how much of the ‘human catnip’ champagne she guzzles down her chops. She must be pickled inside. Does her human vet not have something to say on the matter?

So the great day arrived –again. She’s had so many birthdays I’m just stunned that she hasn’t lost count.

She doesn’t ‘do’ chocolate (sounds like a grey furry Diva we all know who doesn’t ‘do’ anything). She just does red wine (lots of it), champagne (lots of it) and pork scratchings (by the lorry load). ‘A very balanced diet’ according to my human.

Red wine and scratchings I cope with; she has a glass or six at night and a bag of scratchings which she shares with me, then off she tootles for a sleep with Dumpty.

Champagne she should avoid like fleas. It makes her very silly, giggly and worst of all she gets hiccups. Now my human doesn’t hiccup in a ladylike manner. It’s like a gaggle of geese honking all at the same time. It’s loud and it’s frightening. I have been known to spook and fall over when she hiccups, it’s that bad! And as for burping, well, if that was an Olympic sport .....

She also starts singing, that’s bad for delicate ears like mine. Then dancing - with me - which I find very undignified. Sometimes she dances with the ginger gut truck, but he’s such a heavy beast, it’s a very quick, quick-step before he manages to wriggle free and run away, ears back.

I know that Dumpty disapproves of the human drinking any alcohol at all. It impairs the 24/7 service that flop of a cat demands. It also makes the human snore which drives Dumpty daft keeping her awake all night (good!!). The human snores which is then it's followed by a snort of derision from the grey furry loon.  They make quite a duet.

Next morning always is a slow start after human catnip. The human is soooo sluggish. My breakfast doesn’t make an appearance on the food station until she’s had tablets, strong coffee and a good yawn (followed by a scratch). My paws go into over-drive furiously padding round in circles on the kitchen floor and my mouth hurts as I open it so wide in silent meows trying to get attention. Sometimes I get under her feet as I plodge round desperately hungry for cheap crap-tigers to eat.

So today when I walked into the lounge, my whiskers almost fell off in horror. There on the table were over 30 bottles of human catnip. Clearly she has everyone trained to buy her just that stuff for her birthday. I just hope she doesn’t drink them all in one go.

She had a birthday cake with zillions of candles on. I had a small slice of cake and I have decided that buttercream is the best thing in the entire universe!

Willi’s version

Another year, another birthday for my human (and I have celebrated a few with my old human, at least thirteen) and yet more wrinkles added to the human’s face.

I’m so glad we cats have fur; you can’t see any facial imperfections -not that a handsome chap like me is imperfect in any way. Now Dippi, there’s not a single bit of perfection about her. That’s why she has me to look after her!

I see the human has lots of presents. All the same thing. Some fizzy stuff which makes her daft. She has offered a glass to me a couple of times, but a cursory sniff just seemed to fill my nose with bubbles which made me sneeze. I personally cannot see the attraction of this fizzy liquid.

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