Izzy and Flip came round to Gripers last night. Flip committed a superb faux paw. But then again Flip is notorious for plonking his clod hopping sized 13's into his gaping mouth.

Their family jeweller, Van Cleet and Arse-spells came round to Gripewater Grange with a selection of tiaras for Izzy to choose for their grandson, Wonky Wombat's, wife Waitey.

It was to be a secret pressie, hence the visit to Gripers by a chap with a case and two rather large and serious looking bodyguards. Izzy has always valued Lady F's opinion and good taste on jewellery. I was a bit concerned about the well-baby-oiled security muscles who stood guard by the briefcase containing the bling.  I'm quite sure Izzy isn't the sort of client to grab a handful of twinklies and run, only for Van Cleet and Arse-spells to then find them for sale on Eeee-up-bay a few days later, or even worse at the car boot on the sheep field behind the Goat and G-string on a Sunday morning.

A fine selection of sparklies was laid out for Izzy's delectation. I was sat next to her on the old horse hair sofa (hope Nobed Skrowte has been de-fleaing it). Izz tickled my chin as she examined each piece of jewellery. Occasionally she would plonk a tiara on my head and watch the light catch the stones as they twinkled and shone. One really glittery tiara was placed round my neck like a collar. I quite liked that, although Skrowte muttered that it did make me look rather girly, a 'puffy cat' he smirked.

"Which one shall I choose?" Izz mused. "I'm stuck for choice here and I'd really like to give her one."

"I'd like to give her one too!" boomed Flip, then chortled rather loudly into his tankard of Oldie English Ale, splattering drops of beer all over the carpet.

Lady F almost choked on her long slow screw up the wall and Izzy gave Flip a rather stern stare from over the rim of her organism on the beach.

Skrowte rather diplomatically handed Flip a large bowl of pork scratchings to give his mouth something more constructive to do with it than to upset the ladies.

"I'm with you Sir," he whispered, "and I'm sure Tiger and his rather magnificent todger would be too!"

I'm not aware that Tiger had a pet called Todger. 'Magnificent Todger'?

Wonder if he's one of the pedigree polo ponies who live in the barn? I must investigate.

Dogs Come when Called

"Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you."

"Of course, every cat is really the most beautiful woman in the room."

Edward Verrall Luca (essayist)

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