For this, my inaugural report, I thought I would introduce myself and the greatest invention since . . . cat TREATS!

I am Mr. Tibbs, the self-proclaimed 'Handsomest Tom on Twitter'.  There is, of course some dispute about this title (do not want to hear about it, Lord Graydon) as it is in print now.  So, please accept the ignominious defeat with grace.

Handsomeness aside, I have been implored by the legions of fans out there, to share the joy of cats with all.  (Any references to the numbers of admirers I have, may be chalked up to nobody knowing how many a legion makes.)  

Needless, to say, it is a distinct pleasure and honour to dispense of the wisdom that this, rather, humongous cat has acquired over the past eight (nearly nine) years. (Human years, of course, as math is not my strong point unless we are divvying up treats.)

As some of you may know, I can be a bit of a flirt (just ask the felines of Twitter) but never in a creepy Harvey Weinstein kind of way.  (Unlike him, I have been fixed).  

I enjoy telling the ladies how beautiful they are and making them feel special.  I would be hard pressed to find any feline who wasn't the most stunning work of art EVER!  I feel duty-bound to lay it on as thick as I can.

And speaking of breath-taking beauty, Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and my fiancée, the lovely Cleopatra, might just be in for a treat.  I like to surprise her with a thoughtful, heartfelt token of my love.  (Cannot meow any more on the subject.  I do not want to spoil the gift.)

Just look at the Babe!  She holds my heart and despite my wandering eye, she graciously allows me to look (and compliment) the others, knowing full well that I would be lost without her.

How did I, a large lump, manage to snag such a hot commodity, I hear you asking yourself?  (Believe me, I wonder the same thing, all the time).  Is it the charm?  Is it the wit?  Is it the muscular bod?

You may have to ask the spunky BSH, herself as 2020 is the year she is to be mine forever.  I do know that every hair-brained idea that I have ever come up with, is backed to the hilt by my gorgeous girl.  

Take my exercise routine, for instance (and here comes the most inspired concept that you have been privileged to be a part of.  It is the ideal New Year’s resolution). . .

EAT!  SLEEP!  REPEAT!  Despite the intricacies and hard labour involved, my Cleo recognized the importance of it right away.

I shall give detailed instructions on how to implement the performance of said routine in a moment.  But first, let me explain my mission statement . . . I believe that every cat should have the opportunity to sculpt their chassis into a well-proportioned, beefcake frame, such as I have. And I guarantee you will not only LOVE this workout but unlike other resolutions you will never break it.

Now, prepare yourselves for the edification . . .

First of all . . .  EAT!

This is Step #1 and therefore has enormous implications as to how one will proceed.  You do not want to strain yourself by filling the belly to overflowing, yet the right amount of sustenance must be maintained in order to move on to the next phase.

Step #2 . . . SLEEP!

This stage must be commenced within minutes of the first.  It replenishes the burning of calories that one has wasted with the jaw motion of eating.  Once again, one must pace oneself through this juncture to ensure that a healthy balance remains.

Step #3 . . . (And my favourite . . .)  REPEAT!

Once awakened from Step #2, the routine begins all over again.

Personally, I have spent days doing nothing but this exhaustive training and because of the hard work I have fashioned an excellent body tone.  It has taken years to hone such a fine physique, but you too can aspire to the same heights.

Give it a try and let me know how you get on.  (Usually, this is where one would add the disclaimer about consulting a medical professional before starting any exercise routine.  My advice is to NEVER discuss this with the V. E. T.  They are all thermometer-happy charlatans, and a little too eager to proclaim one overweight!)

So, there you have it, Pals . . . my first official Tibbster Report.  If you like what you see, let the editor know as sucking up to the boss is a trait I greatly admire.  I shall see you in a month.

Mr. Tibbs  

Five Good Reasons for Having Your Cat Neutered

  • Reduces fighting, injury and noise
  • Reduces spraying and smelling
  • Much less likely to wander and get lost
  • Safer from diseases like feline AIDS, mammary tumours and feline leukaemia
  • Reduces the number of unwanted kittens