DEAR GARFIELD

I’ve heard my Humans say that ‘size doesn’t matter’ but I feel very depressed as I am only very small for my age. Is there anything I can do to get any bigger. I think I’m the laughing stock of the neighbourhood and I don’t want to go out anymore.

Small Simon

Dear Simon

Your Humans are right ‘Size DOESN’T matter’ but of course, that is of little comfort to you if you feel you are undersize for your age. There isn’t anything you can do to grow any bigger. Please do NOT try to stretch yourself because this is not only painful, but it is pointless. Leonardo da Vinci, the great artist, said that ‘The smallest feline is a masterpiece’ – so Simon, consider yourself a masterpiece. My Human often says ‘Big surprises come in little packages’ so maybe instead of hiding away and being miserable, you could develop your personality so that the neighbourhood cats and your Humans will notice you for the way you are, rather than the size you are. Simon, we are all different sizes – that’s what makes life so interesting so celebrate your size. We only have nine lives – life is too short to spend it being miserable! Take care and keep in touch.

Garfield

DEAR GARFIELD

I am really perplexed and confused and I hope you can help me. I am just 6 months old and I have a little friend called Missy who lives next door. She is also 6 months old. We play together in our gardens and get on really well together. I thought we were going to be a steady couple and was looking forward to putting down roots, and maybe having kittens when the time was right. However, I was taken to the vets last week and when I came back my feelings for Missy are different. She came on pretty strong to me last night – you know what I’m saying – and I hadn’t a clue what to do. Last week I was pretty sure I knew what to do but now ..... It’s like there’s a big gap in my memory. Poor Missy was confused too – she thinks I have some one else but I don’t want anyone at all – period!

PERPLEXED PETER

DEAR PERPLEXED PETER

When you came back from the vets, did you feel any discomfort in your ‘private’ area? It sounds to me as if you were neutered Peter, and unfortunately, for you, this means no fun and no babies. The reason why you don’t know what to do is because you hadn’t done anything up to the time of your operation. If you had, you might have remembered something although even if you had tried to return Missy’s feelings, it would have been a frustrating episode for both of you.

Sorry to say, Peter, it’s a life of celibacy from now on but the operation isn’t all bad you know. You’ll develop a nicer nature and won’t want to go traveling for long periods where you normally end up in terrible fights. The wounds from these fights can be very serious leading to Feline Aids and other horrible things so your Humans have done the right thing for you Peter. Perhaps Missy’s Humans can be encouraged to take her to the vet so that she doesn’t have any kittens. You can still be friends, just platonic that’s all.

GARFIELD

DEAR DAILY MEWS

I'm a 'home-alone' cat without access to the great outside. I spend most of the day asleep on my 'Human's' bed or looking out the window. What kind of things could I do to keep me occupied so that I don't get bored? What do you suggest I do to keep in shape? Wistful William

DEAR WISTFUL WILLIAM

Garfield here: [sucking in my stomach] There is a much to be gained by sleeping all day because when your 'Humans' come home each evening you'll be full of energy and will be able to play with them for hours, much to their great delight after a long, hard, tiring day at work.

I was very lucky as my brother Biggles and I were brought home together, so we had each other to play with. You must feel quite lonely all day long. Humans should always try to get cats or kittens in pairs because while they are out all day doing their Human stuff, we don't get bored.

There are many toys on the market that don't cost very much that you would enjoy. Here in the daily mews toy box we have catnip mice, ping-pong balls, jingly balls and all sorts of things.

One of my favourite toys was a piece of silver foil rolled into a ball - I played with that ball for months and when it disintegrated it was easily and cheaply replaced.

Some of our larger toys require some effort but are nevertheless good fun. One is shaped like a wedge of cheese with holes in. There is a ball inside it, which can be pushed around providing hours of fun. Another one is a large round disc shape with a scratch pad in the centre and an outer groove which a ball travels round - pushed by paws, I hasten to add.

In order to keep in shape I suggest you get your Humans to throw things for you to chase and retrieve or ask them for the latest cat gym. Some of these are totally awesome. Alternatively, you could race around the walls or jump on and off the furniture - careful not to leave any incriminating evidence!

Maybe they'll get you a playmate so that you won't feel lonely anymore but failing that, maybe you could ask for cable TV with your own remote control pawset - the world will be your oyster then. You can watch documentaries, soaps, quiz shows, or watch fitness videos.

Keep in touch William and hopefully you won't be feeling so wistful. Happy Mew Year - hope it's PURRFECT for you.