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I am a fit kitten. Lean as a racing snake and as bendy as a banana. I put this down to Tom Cat Towers being my own personal gym… especially between the hours of midnight and 6am - when my human is sleeping lightly.

Each night I thunder loudly around the house. Galloping across the carpet, skidding across the laminated floors, crashing into walls and furniture, bounding onto the table then across onto the chairs. Leaping up onto the work surface, skittling any bits and bobs onto the floor.  Good professional bashing of the two scratching posts is always a loud exercise routine. But my piece de resistance is throwing myself enthusiastically onto the bed, landing on my human’s lifeless body which always elicits a yowl of annoyance as I bounce off the other side of the bed and crash noisily into a wicker hamper.

Quite breathless after my intense Keep Fit regime is over, it’s then time to curl up tightly and kip for the rest of the day as my humans go off to work, bleary-eyed through lack of sleep.

 My human is part of the ‘Podgy Pets Campaign’. Dumpty our Himalayan Lynx, horrified at how unfit our human was, decided to unfatten and fitten her up. Sadly, at the very start of this onerous task, Dumpty tragically died suddenly, so I inherited the project.

What an uphill, complete loser of a project I have taken up! All bets are off with this one.  It’s a total no-hoper. Having treated her stomach as a landfill site, the human, whilst promising to walk more and eat less to get fit for the Arctic, was just all hot air and empty words.

After Dumpty died, it was a downward spiral into sadness. Apparently, grief is helped in some way by ‘comfort eating’ This, my human took to like a duck to water. Pork scratchings, normally a quid a bag were on offer, 6 bags for £1. Tom Cat Towers was stuffed to the gunnels; she was as good as bringing them home in a wheelbarrow.

Then she became ill and had 3 weeks off work. This resulted in three square, very large and gourmet, meals a day as you have to ‘feed a cold’. This must have been the mother of all colds as she was stuffing her face constantly, sitting watching rubbish on TV whilst having cake, industrial sized slices.  …

And drinking. The human version of catnip; red wine. It was almost as if she was on a mission to guzzle a wine lake empty!

Easter arrived in a haze of chocolate. Chocolate cake, and chocolate delights. Which is rather odd as my human hates chocolate. Didn’t stop her shovelling in down her throat in vast quantities though.

Normally when the human is in the bath, water covers her. However, last night when I put my paws on the rim of the bath and peered over, there was this enormous pink mound of blubber emerging above the water line.

Clearly, I have a job to do here. I have my thinking cap on trying to work out what measures I can implement here at Tom Cat Towers to get some of the fat off the human…..  and Chav Cat too.

Chav Cat must have discovered another food source as she has exploded into obesity. Her tummy is now so large she cannot sit down properly. She sort of slops it onto the floor and arranges her legs around the wobbly fat. Her stomach hangs down like a bag of udders and flops from side to side when she walks, sorry waddles, round the garden. When she lies down she looks like a walrus, her whiskers sparkling in the sunshine. It’s a wonder she doesn’t crack the slabs when she keels over onto her side in the garden

So, two for the price of one. I have Two Fat Ladies of Tom Cat Towers to whip into shape.

I’ll let you know how I get on ….. but I’m not holding my breath!

Gabion
Feline Fitness Expert
Tom Cat Towers