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Hi Squirt,

I’m not sure if it’s you or the United Nations I should be writing to.

It’s turf wars here at Tom Cat Towers. My tiny bit of my own territory is in dispute and I don’t know how to assert my authority. I also don’t know who to turn to, but you are so wise, so full of experience I just hope that you can give me some sage advice……

Dumpty spends all her life asleep on my mom’s bed, curled up on the designer duvet. She rarely moves from there. She sleeps with my mom at night, they just cuddle up together. I have jumped on the bed with them a couple of times, but there’s really not room for the three of us, and Dumpty makes it quite clear that she is not going to share our human, or their bed at night.

Chav Cat has the run of the house. She sleeps on the bed in the back room, under the bed, and by the bed. She flops out on the chairs, stretches out across the carpet like a major trip hazard to humans, her fat tummy just wobbling around as she snoozes. She sits in the bath when it’s empty, or the bathroom sink peering out over the ceramic bowl. She curls up on the laundry basket. She also has snoozzees boxes and moglus, all of her own into which she can squeeze her considerable bulk then she dozes off then snores and wheezes like an old zoo animal. She hogs the wicker chair by the patio window, using it as a watch tower to see all over the gardens in case of intruders.

Squirt, I came to Tom Cat Towers with nothing, I am just so grateful to have a mon who loves me. I sleep on the hall carpet at night, guarding my mom’s bedroom. However, I do get a hiss, spit, growl and a thump when Chav Cat passes by during the night, which she does quite regularly, and quite nosily. I’ve never know a cat with such loud clumpy paws, I hear her coming from two rooms away. But I am resolute in not moving from my position, making sure my mom, whom I adore, is safe whilst she sleeps.

So on Sunday when my mom bought me a moglu all of my own, brand new, three quid from the car boot, I was beside myself with gratitude. It’s black with white paws on and has a soft pillow inside. I was soooo chuffed to have a moglu all of my own, I almost cried! It is tiny, perfect. Just big enough for me to slither into after a hard day chasing paper balls round Tom Cat Towers and doing a bit of purring for my mom!

However, I have not been allowed to set paw inside it. Chav Cat instantly claimed it as her own as she frantically managed to battle her porky self into it. She is too big for it and just hangs out of the hole at the front. She lies there, half in the moglu, half sprawled out on the carpet just watching me to see what I’ll do and if I approach my moglu, she spits at me. Sometimes she rushes out of it, gives me a quick bashing with her paws before hauling herself back into it, growling.

No matter how often my mom passes by and tips her out, Chav Cat will immediately get inside it, chuntering to herself.

Occasionally, when Chav Cat is outside picking fights with smaller cats or animals, I manage to creep into my moglu. It is comfy, however it is covered in her fur and bits of twigs and grass. But even worse, it absolutely stinks of Chav Cat. All that mouse flatulence!!!

I suppose the easy answer is that I could go into one of Chav Cats moglus or snoozzees, but they are old and battered. Even though they are washed regularly, the point is that they aren’t mine and I’d so love a new moglu all of my own to cuddle up in. That’s why my mom bought it for me.

How do I tackle this bulky bully Squirt? All suggestions gratefully received.

Yours in awe
Gabion Tzchugge -  mogluless
Tom Cat Towers

Beware the scorned cat for he is prepared to walk the longest path to revenge

My Dearest Gabe,

First let me apologise profusely for taking so long to reply to your very serious problem.  It’s no excuse, I know, but the truth is my Staff has been very busy.  Do I believe her when she says that she can’t help it, not her fault, of course she would rather spend time with me blah blah blah?

I do not.

However, here I am at last and I am ready to help if I can.  I was aghast to read of the trouble you’re having with Dumpty Nosy Bum and Chav Fatty Cat!  For once, I have to say I don’t think you’re ever going to solve this one to your complete catisfaction.  But between us we can make a difference so please don’t despair.

The root of your problem is this: women.  They are self-centred creatures.  They want it all and they don’t want it now, they want it yesterday and they want it forever.  But when you think about it, all cats are the same aren’t they?  Doesn’t matter if we are male or female, we all believe we have a right to anything we want, especially sleeping places.  

These two you live with really like to make your life difficult don’t they?  Have you thought about doing the same for them?  I have a few suggestions!

So Dumpty Nosy Bum won’t allow you to take your rightful place on your mum’s bed?  Okay then, let’s heat things up a little for her.  What I would like you to do is this: spend the next few weeks working on your dexterity.  Find a piece of string (don’t ask where, you’re a cat and have an inbuilt string radar) and practise tying knots in it and untying them again.  The more intricate the knots the better, you will reap the rewards of this hard work.  Also, find an object that you can control and manipulate with both front paws, perhaps a ‘borrowed’ shoe. Try some precision work putting it ‘right there’ or ‘just here’.  Be patient and these exercises will pay off big time because your paws will soon be strong and dextrous.  Then you can sneak into the bedroom when DNB is taking a heavy nap and switch the electric blanket on at its highest setting!  Trust me, it won’t be long before she has to move.  Hahaha!!  Then you just switch the blanket off again, wait for it to cool a bit, hop up and slide gently into Snoozeland.  Bliss!

Another thing you could try is climbing onto the bed in full stealth mode and then quietly barf on the blankets before you slide back to the floor and slip silently out of the room.  You?  You were never there, not ever.  It must have been Dumpty.  Ugh, the dirty little madam!

Now for Chav Fatty Cat.  This could also take some time and not a little self-sacrifice but it will be worth it.  I don’t know CFC but I do know she is greedy.  If you leave a little of your food every day (just a little) we both know who will guzzle it up without waiting for an invitation.  Soon, CFC will be even fatter than she is now.  So fat, in fact, that she won’t be able to squeeeeeeeze into your moglu without risk of serious injury and an embarrassing incident involving the Fire Brigade.  It will be all yours my friend, all yours to sleep in for as long as you like.

Or else you could put aside the fact that you are a high-bred gentleman and put the ‘lu’ into ‘moglu’ – you know what I’m suggesting don’t you!  That’s right, wait till CFC is hoovering up her food and sneak into the moglu for a nice ripe smelly poop.  Even she won’t want to get into it after that!  And of course your mum will only ever have seen CFC in the moglu so she, naturally, will be the cat who gets the blame.  Your mum will dutifully clean up the mess and the moglu will be restored to its rightful owner, you.

Gabe, I do hope you agree with my suggestions because I think they could work very well.  Of course there are no speedy remedies to your problem.  You must be patient, but that gives you time to look forward to the successful implementation of your plans.  Just remember you have just as much (if not more) right as DNB and CFC to the snoozeworthy places in the house.

Good luck!

Your good friend,

Squirt   =^..^=  

You can chat to Squirt on Twitter: @SquirtTheCat

Gabes' Mom can be found on Facebook 'Carol Lake'