It’s been a funny couple of weeks. Having to go the vet’s for an infected tail, poor old Ch’Bee finally going to the Great Cat, and all sorts of nonsense with my keepers.

One of my siblings appears in the opening ‘credits’ of one of your best known ‘soaps’, Coronation Street. 

Regular readers of this column will have noticed my fortunes improved dramatically when I was rescued from the very dark environs of Bumble Cottage.

I’ve had to adjust [completely change] myself from being a hissing, strutting, macho, posing, greedy, rag bag of conditioned responses.

Haven’t you sacrificed all your freedoms yet? You could say that I have sold out by being ‘kept’ myself. But I do get quite a lot in return for my cute catty nonsense. You monkeys seem to be getting nothing except higher taxes, surveillance cameras, airport chaos and even more brain-dead people on your TV screens.

But haven’t you detected something good happening too? I watched my male keeper pull his mush whilst reading one of the Sunday magazines. My first thoughts were ‘Why buy the damn thing in the first place?’ Yet I’ve heard him spout about ‘needing to know what’s going on.’

Anyway, he threw it down and said, “It’s all about consumption, paying a fortune to ‘look good’ and doing sod all about anything that matters.”

Now I know he was right, but he hasn’t yet heard the collar drop. You see I know what’s going on without reading that rubbish, or watching your ‘news.’

Didn’t most of you give towards the appeal after that horrible Tsunami? How many of you know [and care] about Madeleine McCann?

The brighter of you also realise that you will all be giving money to the flood victims by paying higher insurance premiums. Ah yes the buffoons amongst you will cry, ‘but at least we have a choice.’ You do, pay the higher premiums or be left uninsured.

Some of your newspapers tell you everyday you’ll all be ‘out on the street’ when the house market collapses. What’s wrong with being out of the street? It had its highs and lows for me during the last few years, but aren’t your lives like a roller-coaster anyway? And isn’t that what you expect? But aren’t there less houses than people who want them?

One of my siblings appears in the opening ‘credits’ of one of your best known ‘soaps’, Coronation Street.

[I have to come clean here. When my keepers notice me ‘watching the TV’, because they are so amazed that we have intelligence, it hasn’t quite dawned on them that I watch quite a bit of Jack, Vera and Ken Barlow]

I digress. Don’t your soaps tell you that you will never ‘make it’? That you life is pretty much to be where you are now? How many make it from the ‘Street’ unless their name is Mike Baldwin?

He is dead isn’t he?

You see we [beings] are coming together as everything seems to be getting madder by the hour. But your ‘news’ people won’t tell you that.

No, it’s up to us sages to educate you, but even better than the ever-so-modest Jimmy are your own feelings.

Our world can become the kind of place we all want when our minds and bodies are free from toxins.

I suppose I could choose to eat used cat litter. If some over-made up feline sold out and ‘promoted’ it. If Tossco supermarket sold it cheaper than anywhere else. If the ‘Chief Vet’ said it would do us good and was full of vitamins.

However, I prefer to let my waste material improve the soil, and not live in a cell where the litter tray is compulsory, and make my own mind up about what’s good for me. But I do already.

I suspect if enough of you do, we’ll get there so much quicker!

Jimmy  August 2007 

(For overseas readers, Jack, Vera and Ken Barlow are characters from a long-running soap called ‘Coronation Street’) - Ed

© Jack Stewart MSc

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