OMG!!!!!! My worst nightmare. I walked into the kitchen in the hope that Maid might find a last minute appointment in the Bliss Spa Executive Suite for a good fur groom while I look out of the window at the blackbirds hopping around outside, when I came nose to nose with Mikey-Mike. In my house, in my lounge.

Dumpty face to face with Mikey-MikeIn fact, I nearly fainted. I must have been dozing not to have seen him as I padded into the room, how dare he feel that he can be in my regal presence? Where is security? Why hasn't Willi Whizkas battered him within an inch of his scabby whiskers and seen him off?

Mikey-mike tried to chirrup cheerfully and sniff me but I turned my finely tuned pedigree nose up, fluffed up my tail and went back into the lounge, where I flopped down, feeling quite distressed. When I had stopped my heart thumping, I turned round and there he was on the carpet, just gazing adoringly at me. I got to my paws and hurried back to my designer duvet making it quite clear that he was not to follow me.

I lay on my designer duvet, my heart pounding and my tail flicking in extreme anger. Clearly Maid is not around to protect me. She must be at that place called work again. I know that he has been creeping in and cuddling up with Gingie-crew in their snoozzee, but he has never been allowed to approach the royal personage (me), Maid has always made sure he keeps away. The complete cheek of him, who does he think he is, ragamuffin-tramp cat.

Standards have hit rock bottom if any old moth eaten, flea ridden feline feels that they can enter my premises and invade my personal space. Discipline will have to be metered out. I am quite sure that this is just a huge mistake, and that when I go back into the lounge he will be gone. I suppose that now he is sleeping in my old toilet pod by the front door he feels that he is a Tom Cat Towers tom with all the privileges that go with such membership; like the 24/7 services of my Maid along with the expensive fine dining. I shall have to make my distress quite clear to Maid, this is totally unacceptable.

Do I forgive Maid for what has clearly been a very serious breach of security, allowing a riff raff cat to approach me uninvited? Or do I just forget it? Executive decisions which an employer has to make need to be well thought through in order to maintain good relations with one's Maid, especially when in a discipline situation, so I slept the whole day through. I didn't even wake up when Maid climbed into bed at the end of her duties. I am at a loss as to why she is being seduced by this monochrome monster; Mikey-Mike, and how she has time to give him attention and feed him when she should be 24/7 focused on my serene highness and my demands. I am not a happy Himalayan.

Maid’s version!

Last week, with a pair of gauntlets on, breath held, medicinal brandy (for me) and plasters at the ready, I picked up Mikey-Mike for the very first time. I expected him to fly into a rage and rip my face off, but instead he just purred, growled, meowed and smiled stupidly like he normally does. After a couple of minutes he flopped on his back like a big soppy furry baby and seemed so happy to be loved, he almost drooled with a smile on his face! Clearly he has been somebody's cat at sometime. He came into the house, all the time chuntering away as if he was talking to me.  Willi and Dippi aren’t at all bothered by him and seem quite happy to share their snoozzee with him.

Madam however is always disgusted to see him in the lounge. When he dares to look at her, with a loud snort she turns round and marches straight back to bed for the rest of the day!

Mikey-Mike is such a character, I don’t think he has an ounce of violence in him towards the other cats or me, in fact he seems quite at home in the kitchen and lounge, giving everything a cursory inspection as if he was being invited to stay (which I suppose he is, if he behaves himself). I think he's decided to become a Tom Cat Towers tom!!

Dogs Come when Called

"Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you."

"Of course, every cat is really the most beautiful woman in the room."

Edward Verrall Luca (essayist)

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