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KITTEN DIARIES #11 by Ollie
Monday, 1st December Mum put me in the carrying basket today and I was taken back to see the vet. This time, Sam came too, and he cried all the way in the taxi, and all the time we were waiting for our turn. It got so bad that I started crying too because Sam was getting on my nerves. When it was our turn to see the vet, he looked at Sam first and then stuck one of those pointy needle thingies in his neck. Sam was very quiet after that and just went and sat in his basket while I had my turn. The vet looked in my ears, eyes, mouth, and up my bum for some reason, and then he listened to my chest and he felt all over my body. He combed me – this was to see if I had any fleas – but as I have a smart glittery flea collar I was lucky – I didn’t have any. Then he stuck one of those pointy needle thingies in my neck. I was going to ask him if he had finished with my ‘down theres’ but was upset that he put the needle thingy in my neck again, so decided not to speak to him. He’s had them this long and I obviously don’t need them – so I’ll let him keep them.
Tuesday, 09 December Mum was something called ‘livid’ today. It was a sunny-ish day today so she did a whole heap of washing which she hung out on the lines in the garden to dry. Two of the lines are very near the garden fence where the fat balls and the coconut thingy hang for the birds. Well, when she went to bring in the stuff that was on those little lines, she made one of those faces which changes colour because there was some bird poo on some of it. ‘That’s gratitude!’ she said, ‘after all the birdy bits I put out for them!’ Garfield told me later that in some countries it is considered rude if a guest who has been invited to dinner doesn’t pass wind or do a burpy thing to show their appreciation for the meal. So we wondered if the birds doing a poo on the washing was their way of showing their appreciation for all the fat balls Mum buys for them and all the bread she and Timmy throw out for them each morning. When Garfield suggested this to Mum, she said: ‘Well, if they want to say thank you, why can’t they bring me a bunch of flowers like anyone else?’
Wednesday, 17th December Mum’s friend called in to see her today and she brought a Little Person with her. The Little Person smelled nice and made funny little noises. She moved about on the floor on her hands and knees and ate some of our sweeties. I looked at Mum to see if she had noticed that the Little Person had eaten some of our sweeties and I wondered if she would say: ‘Plums and Custard Little Person’ but she didn’t. The Little Person spat our sweeties out all over the floor and rubbed them in the carpet. Mum noticed that and smiled. But I was worried whether there would be enough sweeties left for us once the Little Person had finished with them. Mum’s friend gave her a big bag with some presents in and Mum was allowed to open the biggest present. It was a clock for the kitchen. Mum was something called ‘thrilled to pieces’ and put the clock on the wall near the cooker. Mum decorated the kitchen not so long ago and she’d been looking out for a nice new clock she told her friend. They had lunch together and then they hugged and then the friend took the Little Person away. I went to the sweetie bowl to hint that there weren’t any sweeties left in it as the Little Person had polished them off and that reminded Mum to clean up the carpet. So she got that great big vacuum cleaner thingy and it shuddered into action, swallowing up all my sweeties that were ground into the carpet. I opened the larder door when the vacuum thingy was back in its place and hoped that Mum would get the message. ‘Plums and Custard, Ollie,’ she said, ‘you never stop eating.’ I wanted to say, ‘chance would be a fine thing!’ but thought better of it!
Saturday, 20th December Timmy got into trouble today and Mum had to wag her finger at him. In all the time I’ve been here I’ve never seen the Finger Wag before so I knew it must be serious. What had Timmy done to deserve the highest form of telling off? He started to eat some of Mum’s dinner while she was getting something in the kitchen. He usually just ‘guards’ it so that no one else tries to take any of it and she always gives him a kiss and usually then she’ll give him a reward. But Timmy ate his reward before getting the kiss and the ‘Thumbs’ Up’. Instead he got the Finger Wag. Mum put him on the floor and wouldn’t look at him and he sat there for a bit crying. Eventually Mum finished the dinner that Timmy hadn’t managed to eat and she washed up. She still wouldn’t look at him. Then she went in to the other room to watch the telly. I came and sat with her as I like sitting on her lap while she does that knitting stuff. Timmy came and sat on the arm of the sofa next to her and rubbed his head on her shoulder so Mum kissed him and he purred really loudly. He had been forgiven. I don’t think I like the Finger Wag.
Tuesday, 23rd December Mum was something called ‘embarrassed’ today because she got locked out of the house. She picked up her friend’s keys instead of her own and she had to call someone to help her back into the house. The LockMan came straight away and Sam came downstairs to wait in the hallway to see who was trying to get into the house. Sam is either very brave or very stupid – I’m not sure which. Timmy, Ricky and I sat on the top stair nervously, waiting for updates and on-paw reports from Sam. Within a few seconds LockMan had opened the door for Mum and they came in to see a growling Sam who had fluffed himself up to double his usual size because he thought LockMan was a burglar.
Mum said it’s something called my ‘anniversary’ today. That means it was a year ago when two boys left me with PetShopMan and then I came to live with Mum, Garfield, Charlie, Billy, Timmy, Ricky and Sam. My three worst moments of the year were when I lost my ‘down theres’, when Charlie went away and when Garfield was ill. My three best moments of the year were when I danced with butterflies, the Ginormous Moth Incident, and seeing Garfield getting better when he had his own little table made for him which I can share. Looking back, I landed on all four paws and I’m really happy here. I live with five really good friends although Ricky always sniffs my bottom whenever he sees me for some reason but he had a sad beginning so maybe that has something to do with it. Garfield has been my special friend and he has taught me lots of things.
I’ve learned how to knit, how to do Pilates and Yoga, how to Tom Cruise myself up onto the roof and back down again. I can dance, although I don’t do it very often – I prefer T’ai Chi because it’s more graceful and balances my inner kitten. Eddie down the road can be a good laugh when he’s in the right mood but he’s going to have to improve on his T’ai Chi for next summer. Poor Eddie is not blessed with paws that move in time with each other; still, if he sticks with me, some of my natural grace and elegance, not to mention my modesty, is bound to rub off on him. I’ve had lots of laughs – and I’ve made Mum laugh a lot too, although she said PLUMS AND CUSTARD a lot. Anyway, I’ve got to go now – dinner is ready. See ya!
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