MORNING ROUTINE IN ORDER TO GET TO WORK!!

by Cat Turner, (UK)

I got into work this morning and realised just how going to work in the morning is a military operation based around Tushtots, our babe. We, the humans, just grab a quick slurp of coffee before running through the cat-care-checklist:-
 
 House all secure: senior boys, Willi and GT, out into the garden for the day for adventures.
Blinds open in back bedroom so Tushie can sit on chest of drawers and glare at Evil Sydney, the intact tomcat over the road.
Move radio so he has clear sight of Juicy-Lucy also over the road that is an 18-year-old hissy-spitty cat he just adores because she is a tabby Persian just like he is (mirror image).
Ensure his snoozee is moved from kitchen to bedroom and plump it up on the bed so he doesn’t have far to walk before collapsing into cat-coma.
Arrange attractive collection of well sucked grubby Culpepper catnip mice and other toys on bed and floor for his entertainment.
Fill small crystal bowl with favourite sweets-of-the-day, which change on a regular basis according to how firmly he turns his nose up. Although his favourite, (sod’s law), happens to be one of the most expensive, James WellBeloved, turkey and cranberry.
Check bathroom. Are taps cracked open and a mug full of water left in bath in case he wishes to slake his thirst?
Fresh cat meat in kitchen should he manage to foray that far from bedroom, ham or fish scraps must be tenderly chopped and presented.
Lay out cat blanket in hallway in case he has a burst of energy and makes it past the bedroom door before keeling over for a kip.
Dish of cat sweets in other bedroom just in case.
Dish of cat sweets in lounge                 “    “    “
Remind postie to pop mail in box outside in case the rattle of the letter flap disturbs him.
Place John’s hair comb somewhere where he can fearlessly kill it when the mood grabs him, the plastic is well chewed already. Tights and bras are also good items to be hunted and attacked.
Cat grit in tray ready for him to throw all round kitchen floor.
Bouquets of cat friendly flowers in easy reach for a munch. I have vases of stalks all over the place!
 
Finally go to work
 
If late and in a desperate rush to get to work, and he always knows when, little monkey, as we reach for the door we hear the sound every cat owner dreads …
 
Bleurgh, bleurgh, bleurgh, as his tongue comes out, ears back and he begins to retch having gobbled his sweeties too quickly. This we have down to a fine art, John opens the bathroom door and lifts the loo seat whilst I grab patient and hold upside down over loo as he disgorges entire contents of stomach into loo. Quick wipe round the old whiskers with loo paper then he’s off to stuff his face again!
 
I also realised just how cat-friendly the house is, instead of plastic blobs on the bottom of our light pulls, we have cat nip mice tied to the ends so the cats can play with ‘em, their favourite is the bathroom one so when you’re in the bath the lights go on and off as they pull at them.
 
Wills comes into his own at night, he’s definitely a daddies-cat and spends a lot of time mincing round, mewling and head butting John in an effort to get his attention. I’m convinced he’s trying to tell him to put down the pint of lager and packet of crisps and go out for a mouse-hunting expedition with him, find a nice succulent mouse instead, but John’s never taken him up on the invite!

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