THE GREAT ESCAPE FROM COLD-KITZ (or Al-Cat-Raz as it's known)

Dear Mewsers

Please take your thinking heads off. Panic over, all is well with the world again. I’ve been busted out of the joint known to us inmates, us old lags, as Cold-Kitz.

Mummikins herself came and rescued me! She is my heroine and I love her to bits!

It was about 9am on Sunday morning, all the cages had been mucked out. (Thankfully as my bruv, Willi Whizkas does the world’s smelliest poos!) We all had our breakfast trays shoved through the wire and there was a universal sound of slurping and chewing accompanied by several loud belches from the greedier cats who nervously gobbled their rations down quickly in case another cat took them away, life is tough here in jail. I was just plonking my little pink bottom down onto cold concrete for a whisker polish and to contemplate my unknown crime for being here (I'm sure all cats in here protest their innocence!) when all of a sudden there she was. A bit browner than I remembered and smelling very garlicky. I threw myself at her. My heart just broke and my eyes had tears in them.  I clung to her chest as I had my first proper Mummikins hug and cuddle for 17 days. I kissed her face so hard she thought her nose would be broken. I licked her face and she tasted just the same as I remembered and had dreamed about every night of my solitary (apart from my bruv) confinement.

I was soooooooo happy. My purrs went into hyper-drive mode and my paws padded away on her jumper for ages whilst I drooled all over her jumper.

I was beginning to think that I would be here forever. I’d quite got into the routine at Cold-Kitz and fondly referred to the place as Al-Cat-Raz after a few days.

Smudger, Head of Escape Committee, left after 3 days so obviously he was in the right job. Pongo had gone after a week, but I don’t think it was via his escape tunnel. Despite constantly digging he never made it through the plastic base of his grit tray, but top marks for persistence!

I can’t understand how inmates came and went during my time here. I can only assume that they were let out on good behaviour and more ‘bad boys’ were then bought in to replace them and for corrective treatment before being allowed home again. I knew I never should have panicked Mummikins by disappearing two days before I came here, I’ll never be naughty again...  I promise Mewsers

We had several new inmates arrive, including Bumbles who quite frankly drove us all potty. He was a young chap, about a year old. Full of energy – he never stopped. He would begin each day with a climb up the walls of his wire enclosure, a quick shimmy across the wire ceiling and down the other side. Checking for escape holes he said, but after the eightieth time in just one hour you would have thought he’d have spotted one, if indeed there was one there. When he wasn’t doing that he was continually chasing his tail or scudding his food bowl round his cage. He said it was important to keep active and fit whilst imprisoned so he would have a good physique to impress lady cats when he was released back into the community!!

We also had an ancient cat, Thumper, stay for a few days. He was as old as a conker tree. His nose was crusty, enough dirt in his ears to plant potatoes and grubby fur. Some cats would yell ‘Dead cat walking’ as he stiffly ambled slowly by their cages with his rheumy world-weary eyes cast down on the way to the exercise yard. Good job he was as deaf as a post! I’m surprised he was in here, surely it would have been kinder to leave him at his home on bail or tagged with a fluorescent collar, no-one would nick him as he was a grim specimen!!

Snout, the intact tom cat, eventually left off taunting me as a lady-boy-tom. There was no contact allowed between cats or visiting humans. This was a top class penal institution for ‘A’ Class inmates. It was FAB approved, whatever that means, and even visiting humans bringing or collecting inmates were not allowed to touch us, which was very good as previously I have been in shoddy institutions were I have taken home a good collection of ‘pets’ which have run through my fur and had to be treated with flea drops. When I got home on more than one occasion I smelled like an old pig farm and had to be bathed so I’m all for FAB approved institutions now!!

I wasn't too impressed with the inmate in the cage next to ours. He was of the opinion that he would be let out early for good behaviour and he sucked up to the wardens mercilessly. He would pathetically head butt the wire and purr loudly with his tail erect, showing off his exhibition bottom to all and sundry, and he would chirrup and chatter to any human visitor that passed by his cage. Pathetic really. As Willi Whizkas says we have to keep our heads down and do our time.

Snarler and Growler the Siamese twins ended up just chasing the empty washed out foil packs round the floor of their pen, some were even tied with string to the wire walls for them to pat and play with. Apparently they were fascinated with the glittery foil and preferred this over proper cat toys like Culpepper catnip mice!!

Lights out at night was a problem. I quite expected a gentle rumble of snoring felines curled up in their luxury heated sheepskin lined beds but some of the cats really came to life at night, desperate to be out mousing or off on lady-cat romancing expeditions. So a lot of the cells thundered to the sound of desperate paws padding up and down and exasperated sighs with the occasional yowl at the moon. Some cats, especially those who never go out (like me) weren’t too happy in the dark and would quietly sob for home, humans, hugs and a favourite catnip mouse.

Grub was brilliant; all diets were catered for and my favourite was the James Wellbeloved turkey and cranberry kibble. I only get it as a treat at home so that made the incarceration more bearable. We all got a cuddle from the human prison wardress each morning, and a jolly good grooming. She knew all our names which was a comfort and she was very kind to the cats that were homesick.

I was just about resigned to being incarcerated here for ever when I was unexpectedly sprung along with my bruv. I spent the entire morning at home just meowing, purring, loving my Mummikins and sniffing everywhere back at Tom Cat Towers just to make sure nothing had changed whilst I was away. I even got a present from deepest darkest Austria which is brilliant; it’s a cat sculpture with a bowl for cat crunchies so that I don’t have to bend my head right down to the floor to snaffle my cat sweets.

When Mummikins left me on the bed so that she could start typing up Willi Whizkas’ tales I had a delicious moment, reunited with my catnip rat (a little Hessian sack she had filled with dried catnip and sowed up). I was so carried away drooling and rolling round with all my paws in the air and rubbing my face and whiskers round the wonderful catnip, that I didn’t notice that I had knocked something out of the pocket of Mummikins jacket. When I did see it my heart froze, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Something really terrible had happened and I was horrified.

This was the worst moment of my life …

For the next thrilling instalment of Tushtots' story, please click here:

<- PREVIOUS            NEXT ->

*****

Foot note: FAB is the Feline Advisory Bureau and they have a list of all the catteries in the UK. If a cattery is NOT FAB listed, then don't use it. For more about the FAB visit their website:

www.fabcats.org

123Greetings.com

Copyright 2001-2006 by TheDailyMews.com.  All rights reserved.

Hosted by http://www.supanames.co.uk