NEW YEAR - NEW SELF

01.01.07 :

Weighed self today - am starting the year a stone (14lbs) heavier than last year. Am upset. Mind you, I feel I was dealt a cruel hand in the height department - I should be at least 8' 7" tall for my weight instead of the petite 5'4" which is why it looks as if there is more of me than there actually is. If I was 8' 7" tall the body parts would be spread out considerably and there would be no need to feel like a Sumo wrestler's ideal partner.

Looked lovingly at the remainder of the Christmas cake I made and tearfully and apologetically threw it in the bin, hoping it wouldn't need counselling as a result of being so heartlessly rejected on New Year's Day.

Knowing how low my resistance is to temptation and knowing that my will power is usually 'won't' power, I put the bin bag straight into a black sack, which I then put straight out into the shed. Desperate times calls for desperate measures.

Felt slightly better with self.

Decided to measure self's body parts - prepared self for another shock. Even Ruben's voluptuous models look positively anorexic up against the boulder like proportions of self's body parts. Am upset.

Looked Lettuce in the eye for lunch. Lettuce gave a cheeky wink - feel hopeful. I celebrate my curvaceous body parts with Lettuce. Lettuce throws up - 'Hey!' he said, 'let's not overdo the swirling breasts routine!'

Put Cher's fitness video on to watch. Cher is wearing Bandaid and dental floss and not much else. Am upset. Cats walk into room and settle down to watch as self tries to synchronise body parts to move in same direction and to stop moving at the same time music stops.

Garfield smiles his encouragement. Pats the sofa and beckons me to sit down and rest. All that exertion putting the video into the player has worn self out. Sit down and rest for a while.

Decide Lettuce was right and go back to fridge. Holding body parts in check as I bend over (so not to frighten other occupants of fridge) I tell Lettuce that he has a lunch date.  Lettuce winks and alerts the tomatoes.

01.02.07 :

Weighed self today. Have lost one whole pound. Wondered if it was because self plucked eyebrows the night before or passed wind just before getting on the scales that helped. Felt slightly despondent at not having lost more than that.

Decide to begin exercises and look for trainers to show self means business.

Look in cupboard under stairs for step machine. It has one pink platform and one blue platform. Not sure why. Put it next to trainers and look at them for a couple of days psyching self up to begin mindless exercises.

Wake up three days later and decide 'today is the day' and put on trainers and step onto pink and blue platforms with care. Made pact with self to 'step' for 5 minutes. Think that should be enough for one day.

Look at clock - ten seconds have passed and having trouble motivating self to continue. Only another 4 minutes and 50 seconds to go. Close eyes and think of holiday. Think of self running through the edge of the sea, long slim legs and firm lithe torso. Nearly fall off step machine in excitement. Open eyes and look at clock. Another ten seconds have passed. Only another 4 minutes and 40 seconds to go.

Can't see self with long slim legs or firm lithe torso at this rate. Can't see self managing to stay on step machine for much longer than 30 seconds at this rate.  Decide to practise some Spanish while on step machine. Lose balance, and nearly fall off again.

Timmy and Billy are sitting under the little sofa watching intently. I saw money change paws and think there is a bet on to see if I do manage to fall off. Either that or it's to see if I actually manage to complete 5 minutes. Decide to call their bluff and continue even though legs hurt like crazy.

Finally, the five minutes are up.  I've counted every second for the last 3 minutes. Legs are just about to give up. Wobble off the step machine and fall on floor. Give Timmy a high five!  Billy skulks off having lost his bet.

The top half of body feels great, zingy and gorgeous. Legs feel lead weights been attached to them and won't work. Have to sit down for an hour to recover.  Later on that day, legs seize up completely and have to lie in bath massaging them. Decide to put step machine back in cupboard under stairs.

A few weeks later came across an old exercise LP. Put it on the player and listen to the instructions. Self holds of back of chair in dining room and start bouncing in time to the music. Have to stand with legs slightly apart and just do gentle bounces keeping upper body fairly erect.

Getting into the swing of it when there is a knock at the door. Find that self can't straighten up properly. Walk up hallway like four foot five demented frog with haemorrhoids to greet bewildered postman clutching parcel for self.

'Are you alright?' he asks self kindly, noting the new demented frog with haemorrhoids stature. Raising self up as far as new demented frog with haemorrhoids stature will allow, self replies haughtily: 'of course self is alright, thank you for asking.'

Bewildered postman hands self parcel. Self backs down hallway wondering if old self will be returning soon as have to go to college shortly. Don't want to go like frog.

Decides to open parcel. Discovers it's a box of chocolates from friend to cheer self up. Self switches off LP on player and opens chocolates instead. Starts to eat chocolates.

Not able to go to college later as self very sick.

Legs return to normal after frequent visits to the bathroom emptying stomach of chocolates. Strange how the contents of a reasonably small box can multiply and take forever to vacate the premises.

Decide never to eat chocolates again.

Self decides not to do formal exercises again as they have adverse reaction to body parts. Decide instead, to just make up own exercises as self goes along to music.

Get out dance CD. Start doing high kicks. Foolishly, it turns out. The cats - all six of them, and little female cat from down the road, who is just visiting for her breakfast, are all sitting along the little sofa with saucepans on their heads for protection.

High kicks are getting out of hand. Self discovers a part of anatomy unknown to self before - only discovers it because it now hurts like crazy. Not sure whether to take self to hospital for examination. Is put off by the explanation of what self was doing to receive such an injury in such an unknown place before. How would they x-ray such a place?

Decide doing high kicks or low kicks is not for self.  Replace saucepans in rack and cats applaud wholeheartedly. They love self as self is - not bothered if self large or small - maybe self shouldn't worry about self either.

Decided on a new tactic. Got all the tins of food out of larder. Got scales out of bathroom. Place the exact number of tins on scales to reflect excess body weight.

31 tins of cat food, 1 tin red kidney beans, 2 tins chopped tomatoes, 3 small tins butter beans, 2 tins soup (for 1), 5 tins of pink salmon, 1 small tin of pineapple rings and 2 tins of tuna flakes.  47 tins = 3 stones (42 pounds).

Tower of tins stands 22" from floor to highest tin - confirming what self has known all along. Self is vertically challenged. If self were 7’ 2" self would be perfect!

Decide to fill 3 shopping bags with tins each representing 1 stone (14 pounds) to lose. Could hardly lift all three bags. Then could hardly hold the bags for more than a minute.

Self realises the implications with startling clarity. Self is carrying around the equivalent of small person daily. No wonder self is always tired. Self puts all the tins away in larder again.  Decides small person will have to find another host to cart it around. Vow to try harder.

Goes up to back bedroom where self has books on every subject under the sun. Looks out all dieting books. Didn't realise self had so many! Thirty-three books lie on floor. Self sits on floor and looks at each book. Feels tired.

Lies down and falls asleep. Wakes up to couple of cats lying next to self. Diet books still open at various pages of helpful tips and advice. Self now starving. Goes downstairs and decides to have slimming meal.

Looks in larder. Doesn't feel like anything. Does two slices of cheese and tomatoes on toast. Will start again tomorrow. Long slim legs and firm lithe torso can wait another day.      

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